A notepad for a mind

Peruse at your own discretion.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Growing Up

Am I?

A phenomenal amount of things have changed since I last posted here, and I chose my words in that last clause very carefully.

I now live out of home, with an awesome person who feels like some sort of friend/quasi-sister hybrid. I work at least thirty hours a week. I don't have enough energy to write much any more, though I suspect that is just an excuse for my laziness and uncertainty and I hope I will write more soon. The last beginning of a thing I did write was something not even I thought I was capable of; though, true to the feelings of a younger me, I feel like a better writer than I should pick it up and continue writing it.

I call myself a writer now.

Perhaps it is my lethargy affecting my ability to accept that fact (you know that level of tiredness where, if you say a simple word too many times in a row, the reality of its structural, linguistic and phonetic freakin' weirdness beats itself on the forefront of your poor mind like an impatient yuppie's fist on locked brass-knobbed wooden door? Yeah, me neither), but it was never a title I felt worthy to claim until recently. I think a lot of it may be due to the acquisition of a particular curly-haired intellectual writing friend, who is more than willing and able to share and reflect on ideas belonging respectively to the both of us. His presence and kindness in helping me alter my approach to my work is something I consider invaluable and am very grateful for.

I think I'm starting to let go of the things that happened a year ago, the people I flew away from and haven't yet mustered up the courage, self-confidence, or money to return to. I think some of those people might see me again and meet someone they weren't expecting.

I still have a lot of things to learn (I dread the day I don't), a lot of bad habits and choices to let go of, and a lot of protective walls to let down. Though, I suspect quite a few that have been in place since the worst month of my life might come down soon with the aid of another. In slow motion, crashing. If there's any strength in the person I'm growing into, I'll leave them down there.

And I promise my next post will be less cryptic. At least, a little.